Chapter 4- Down The Rabbit Hole
When I listened to that voice mail for the first time, my stomach sunk. I felt as though I was going to throw up. The Stake President said "If this is Sadie's phone I need to talk to you about Stephen Stuart, I know you know who he is. Call me." It was short and poignant for me. When he got me on the phone he said Steve was wanting to be reinstated in the church, but because of my age at the time I was considered a victim and I had to write a letter so they could get him reinstated. Those sentences might read nice, but to me they were daggers. He sounded annoyed and short and he was implying it was all consensual, or that it was me who seduced him into betraying his covenants. I contacted my bishop who got me some counseling and then he told me he would take care of it. I later learned that Steve didn't even go to the bishop to confess himself, that his wife went and then he was called in. I also learned that he lied to the church leaders about raping me, and he didn't actually get any real consequences for what he did to me. How can I write a letter to someone who destroyed my entire life? He never said he was sorry. He denied everything to his wife when I talked to her. How could I ever forgive him? How could the church drag me through the worst part of my life with such insensitivity? Again. Depression. Again. Suicidal thoughts. I couldn't have gotten through it without my kind bishop at the time, or my ever loving husband who stood by my side no matter what he learned about my past. I got a letter from Steve with a couple spaced out sentences on it. Pretty much just I am sorry for how I handled it when you told my wife. That was the closure I got. It seemed an insult to me.
I ended up writing a letter to the First Presidency about how I can't give them my permission for him to be reinstated because I didn't feel it. Justice was never served, and probably would never be. I did say that I trusted them to make the right choice and act accordingly.. They took my trust and reinstated him without another word to me. Jokes on me I guess. You think I would have learned that they wouldn't do the right thing. The church leaders in my life that knew of my abuse never chose to do the right thing, and in fact did exactly the wrong things by making me internalize the beliefs that it was my fault, that I was worthless, and God truly hated me.
When I was 14 years old I got my Patriarchal Blessing, a blessing I was taught is special directly to me from God Himself. A comfort, a joy, and a roadmap to help me navigate my life here on earth. I was so excited to receive it. And on that day, he asked me a few questions and proceeded with the blessing. The first "off" thing I noticed during it, is that he told me I was born of goodly earthly parents, and that if I followed them and their teachings, I would live a good life. My parents were very messed up. My mom literally told me that God would kill me for being immoral, and other very sickening and harmful statements. My dad was banging other women left and right, killing my mom slowly. That sentence didn't make sense to me. Then next thing that sounded strange to me was he told me I had to avoid the temptation to marry outside the church, I had never dated or even thought of dating a non Latter Day Saint.. and to this day I honestly can say I never was even a little bit tempted. He told me I was beautiful, and I had to keep good friends... and for the kicker, he called me by the wrong name halfway through the blessing. Now a lot of people would just write it off as mistakes of man, but then how much of my blessing wasn't from God, and how much of it was from an old man? And if it was from God, than this was even more evidence of my beliefs that He hated me. Another thing I really didn't understand about my blessing, was that it said nothing of my worth. It said nothing of the horrible trials of my life. It said nothing like "I love you Sadie, and I know you are going through tremendous hard times, you are strong, you will get through this and come out better." Nothing that would be helpful or comforting for me. Nothing to reassure his love for me. Nothing to help pull me out of the darkness. That was so hard for me. God must not really care.
Around the beginning of 2017, I got really really low. My depression ruled my life. I didn't want to live. I tried to pretend to be happy for my family, but everyone knew it was a lie. I started sneaking away from my kids to sit on my bathroom floor and sit with my emptiness. I then would sob and feel so very selfish, because life was good, why was I so freaking low?! I craved for nothingness. I craved for my feelings of hatred, loneliness, and emptiness to stop. I cut myself. I sat and thought of death. I thought of ways to end it. I would go get guns and lock my door and hold it to my head willing myself to just do it. I was such a freaking coward. During this time I would try to double down, live my life 100% in accordance to the church. I would read my scriptures, pray, teach my kids, attend the temple.. but at the end of the day, I would feel alone as ever. I would revert to my deep desire to not exist. I would hold the gun to my head and BEG and bawl and plead and beg some more for God to help me, for him to give me a little comfort, for him to ease my pain even a little. I felt nothing. I felt completely forgotten. I tried to have the poem called "footsteps" there for comfort, but it failed me too. God failed me. I failed me.
One day I wrote out a suicide note and got a sitter and drove away to die. I cried my heart out when I gave my kids their final hug. Annoyingly enough, this happened multiple times, when I would give my kids the final goodbyes. It was my kids and my husband that kept me from pulling the trigger. Devin later found that note. It wasn't easy to hear him confront me about it. I felt guilty and horrible, and I wished I would have had the courage to have pulled the trigger that day, because facing my husband after he found the note was pretty unbearable for me. There were other instances where I looked to prescription pills, knives, or bathwater to end my misery.
I went into the doctor to get some help. I wanted my kids to have a mom, and my husband to have a wife, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. She asked me some questions and got me on some Lexapro to try to help my depression and anxiety. One thing people don't tell you about getting on medication is that sometimes it can have a reverse effect. It helped in some ways, I didn't feel as anxious, but the desire to cut myself grew. I started cutting more and more. My desire to die increased believe it or not.
My cousin took his life right around this same time. He was my age. I remember being so sad that he was gone, but also feeling so envious that he actually went through with it. I know that is such a horrible thing to say, but I couldn't live this life anymore. I understood his pain on a deep level, and I felt for him. I wanted to join him, but I'll admit, seeing the sadness on the faces of my family members and hearing my aunt, his mom, cry a desperate and heart stopping cry unlike any I have ever heard before did give me second thoughts.
Shortly after his funeral, I went back in for a check up appointment with my doctor. The pills had run out. In the few days that I went cold turkey, the depression and anxiety came on strong. I went in and she asked how I was doing. My eyes filled with tears and I told her it got worse. She then told me I needed to go into the hospital right away in the behavioral center and check myself in. I asked her if there were other options and she said "If you don't go right now, I will call an ambulance to bring you there." So I got in the car and called Devin. I bawled. I knew that we didn't have the money to be able to afford an ER bill, and he was out of town and my kids were at a babysitters place.. What would I do? I was ashamed and embarrassed. I went into the ER and told them my doctor called and I was there to talk to a Behavioral specialist. A man came out and I asked what my options were. He told me that he could admit me and run a lot of tests and get a diagnosis and I would have to spend some days in the hospital. He said it would be expensive, but that he would try to make it worth it. We didn't have insurance at the time. He then said the other option would be he could give me some crisis information and send me on my way.. I felt like I would benefit from being admitted, but I was embarrassed and I didn't want to put that financial burden on my family, so instead I took the pamphlet and went home.
Later that night, I got a knock on my front door at home. There were two officers there to do a wellness check on me. The PA I had seen called them and told them I was going to kill myself. I was really embarrassed again. I told them I was alright and they left. My husband is a reserve police officer and my brother in law is a full time officer where I live. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that they were all talking about it at the precinct. All I wanted was some help. I felt like I was screaming at the world to notice that I was on the brink of death and I desperately wanted for it to either end or for someone to help me want to live again. It was a really rough time. I don't even think I was this suicidal when I was going through the abusive years in my youth. All the hurt finally caught up to me fully.
An old friend and neighbor of mine messaged me about a sexual abuse retreat in Utah for victims of sexual crimes as children. She gave me the information and told me to check it out. I figured it wouldn't hurt, so I applied to go. That fall, in November 2017, I got a call that I was accepted and could go at the end of the month. I headed to Utah by myself on a Monday morning. I was so nervous, I admit I didn't do as much research on it as I had wanted to, but I watched some Youtube videos from women who went, and they were all pretty awesome and inspiring, my hope was reignited. Those 4 days were some of the best of my entire life. I learned so much. My biggest problem when I went was feeling like God, the Father who created me, hated my guts. So that was the question I wanted help answering. No one at the retreat could help me answer that question, but they taught me tools to get through tough days. They taught me a ton about how the way you're raised makes such a big effect on the rest of your life, and if your childhood was missing the love and attention you needed, combined with abuse, it was catastrophic for many. I realized how horrible my childhood really was. I realized that what happened to me wasn't my fault, and my parents shouldered some of the blame. Most of all though, I left with a desire to live. I left with fantastic friends and a feeling of belonging. I felt like maybe I could actually live life. It was a turning point for me.
The counselors at the retreat helped me find some counseling locally, and I booked my first appointment in the beginning of 2018. I also got the courage and mustered up the self compassion enough to call the police and turn the sexual predators in. I felt like I was finally taking control back in my life. The year of counseling changed everything. I went in with so much cognitive dissonance, so much sadness in my heart. So many self-destructive beliefs and thoughts. My counselor helped me realize that core beliefs control our automatic thoughts, and our thoughts control our emotions, and our emotions controlled our behavior. So when a situation arises how we react is a direct consequence of our core beliefs. I realized my core beliefs were literally killing me. I talked and talked and talked to my counselor, most of our discussions were about the church in my life. Some of them were about relationships and others about my childhood abuse, but like 80% of them probably were about the church I was a part of, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She helped me see that the church was telling me that it was the only way to happiness, and yet I was so unhappy. In that way and in so many other ways, I learned that for me, the beliefs I had from the church mimicked that of an abusive relationship and were a big part of why I wanted to die..
I got some resources and some recommended reading material and down the rabbit hole I went.
2019:
I learned so much in the last year or so.. I feel like I have learned more about my religion in the last few months than I have in years in it. I learned about the life of Joseph Smith, I learned how he used a seer stone that he found in the earth before he ever got the plates to go treasure hunting, and he actually used it to go treasure hunting for others, they would pay him to find them treasure. He would use his seer stone to figure out where it was, and then they would dig there. But when they dug and didn't find treasure, he simply said that it buried itself deeper into the earth. I read a church approved book called "A Rough Stone Rolling" sold at Deseret Book, and I learned a lot more about the prophet I thought I knew. On lds.org in the essays it goes into more details of how Joseph actually translated the book of mormon, not with the Golden Plate, but rather by using the seer stone he previously found and putting it into a hat. (read footnotes of the essays too, there is a lot of info there)
I learned that Joseph not only practiced polygyny, but also polyandry. He would send men on missions for years and then they would marry their wives while they were away, and claim their children for his own. Not only was he being sealed to women for eternity, but also for time, and that included sexual relations. (lds.org gospel topic essays) I learned that Emma caught him having an affair with Fanny Alger in the barn and Emma threw her out, and he was chastised about it by his peers. (they don't come right out and say sex, but it was implied) I learned that he was being sealed to women in secret, before he came out with the revelation of polygamy, and behind Emma's back. In fact, he actually told Emma she couldn't get her endowments until she agreed to his polygamy (she didn't' accept it at first, and in D&C section 132, Joseph says that in order to practice polygamy, a man first needed the okay from the first wife, which he didn't get and still was practicing) he threatened her with damnation if she wouldn't listen to him. He was sealed to 18 women before he was sealed to Emma, and he actually was re-sealed to the Partridge sisters because Emma suggested them and she didn't know he was already sealed to them. In the church approved/sold book called "Mormon Enigma" sold at Deseret Book, it goes into the marriage of Joseph and Emma, and you see how clearly messed up there marriage was. It looks like she was getting ready to divorce him when he died. He actually told a faithful man in the church that he needed to give him his wife to prove himself to Joseph. After 3 days of heart wrenching thought and prayer, the man finally agrees, and Joseph instead says he wanted the man's daughter, which he married. He threatened a young woman to marry him or else she would bring eternal damnation upon her family. He was married to women as young as 14, and I read an article where a renowned sexual abuse therapist was asked to study Joseph Smith's behavior (I don't believe she knew who it was) and she came back saying she saw exact patterns in his behavior as a sexual predator. He used manipulation to get women to be with him. Back in the day, you weren't supposed to have sex with a woman if she was pregnant or nursing, and a good friend of mine is actually doing a study that has evidence that women came into Joseph's life when he wasn't allowed to sleep with Emma. Joseph claimed that God sent an angel with a flaming sword to threaten Joseph's life if he did not practice polygamy... would God do that? And why would an angel need a flaming sword? A Year of Polygamy podcast (active LDS woman does the podcast) is a great resource to learn of the history of polygamy and the heartbreaking stories of these families that were manipulated and torn apart.
When I learned about the true history of polygamy, it shattered my shelf. When I realized that not only did the church leaders not help me when I went to them about sexual abuse in my youth and as an adult, but they made me believe that the fault lied with me (even though I was a minor), and then I learned that Joseph Smith, the prophet who was second only to Jesus Christ himself, did the same things to girls as was don't to me, I could no longer stay. That was it for me. However, I learned so so so much more.
I learned that Brigham Young taught that you had to live polygamy in order to be exalted as a God. I learned that Brigham Young taught that Adam was actually God the Father. I learned that he taught the Blood Atonement, and it was actually expected of you to follow through with it. (Where you have to publicly spill your own blood, or slit your throat and cut open your belly to spill your bowels) if you broke your covenants (and actually this was part of the temple endowment up until 1990, and it is said today that it still is a part of it, you just no longer have to make the motions of slitting your body open any longer.) I learned that in the time of Joseph and Brigham, the temple garment was reserved for polygamists.
I realized all of the sexism within the church. No, I don't mean that women can't practice the priesthood specifically, (although back in the day they were allowed to give priesthood blessings, and that was taken away) but things like throughout history, women are only secondary to men, and early prophets had this mindset as well. I am talking about polygyny, and no polyandry. I am talking about how in the temples women covenanted to obey their husbands and abide by everything they say, and only men covenant with God himself. (Yes, I realize they changed this recently, but I truly believe they changed it because so many people are leaving.) I am talking about how the disciplinary counsel is different for men and women, and how only recently were women allowed to pray in conference.
I see the hurt of the November 2015 policy against children of gay couples being baptized. The LGB people are hurting, and although I see both sides of the issue, it breaks my heart to see it.
I see the hurt of sexual abuse victims being utterly silenced by parents and church leaders alike. I myself was told not to report it to the police, by almost every adult I talked to about it, including multiple bishops and steak presidents, and I have not received any support from the church (even though he admitted to them what happened) with the court case I now have against my predators. Leaders have told victims to "just let it go" time and time again for multiple reasons, and do not offer support or to help us get help with counseling or medical doctors. What about the victims? What about justice?
I see that changes are being made, and I am happy they are, but I have seen policies deeply hurt people. I have seen suicides from people feel hopeless because they believe in the teaching of the church, and they aren't happy, but are told it is the only way to happiness. (a form of manipulation) And without apologies, (and in fact they have excommunicated people who are trying to bring about change) the damage is done, and changes like this don't fix that damage. I heard it said once that it was like the church stabbed a knife into them 5 inches deep, and then pulled it out two inches (the changes). The pain and hurt is still there for many.
I honestly could go on and on about things I have learned. Here are some more resources for things I have learned:
LDS Gospel Topic Essays:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/gospel-topics/essays?lang=eng
READ FOOTNOTES TOO
A letter to CES about church issues:
https://cesletter.org
Reasons why they left:
http://www.letterformywife.com/letter/
https://whyweleft.wordpress.com
Mormon Priestess:
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/04/the-mormon-priestess-the-short-version/
This one I love:
https://karlijo.wixsite.cobeautyinthebreaking/home/i-got-off-the-boatm/
3 Degrees:
https://zelphontheshelf.com/a-plagiarized-plan-the-origin-of-the-3-degrees/
Handcart Company info/Mountain Meadows Massacre: :(
http://blog.mrm.org/2006/06/the-mormon-handcart-experiment/
https://www.deseretnews.com/article/635210728/Historians-fault-leaders-in-LDS-handcart-tragedy.html
https://www.denverpost.com/2008/12/11/handcart-hypocrisy/
The movie "September Dawn"
More resources:
http://mormonprimer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/MormonPrimer7.pdf
http://www.mormonthink.com/runningweb.htm
http://www.mormonthink.com/personalstories/bruce-holt.htm
Polygamy of JS with LDS resources:
A Year Of Polygamy Podcast
A Rough Stone Rolling
Mormon Enigma
Polygamy being required:
The Journal of Discourses
http://116pages.com/2016/08/evidence-that-jospeh-smith-was-sexual.html?m=1
Empty Heaven:
https://www.the-exponent.com/guest-post-meet-me-in-almost-heaven/
And I have SO MANY MORE!
Ultimately it come down to this:
I have always lived with so much cognitive dissonance with the church. It was hard for me when I believed, because if I believed it was all true, then I believed what adults told me about how awful I was for "tempting married, recommend holding, priesthood holders" and I believed that I wasn't good enough, and God hated me. I looked to the church for answers and for happiness, and it was a dry well for my thirst. Since I have left, I have realized that I can find my own answers, my own happiness. I can find that power in myself. I have started a journey to change the core beliefs that I once had, to believe in myself, and become my own best friend. I have realized that I was a kid, I CRAVED love. I CRAVED validation, and for temporary/fleeting moments the abusers in my life gave me the false feeling of love and acceptance I so desperately wanted. I have learned something about myself, I look to other people (or institutions) to make myself feel loved, and my expectations are high, and when they fail to make me feel loved, I would get very low. I have learned that happiness is not something you find, it's something you create, and I needed to create it for myself and not depend on others to create it for me. I have learned that I REALLY like myself as a person. I am kind, I care about people. Other people's feelings mean a lot to me. I see a light and a beauty in people and in their imperfect state. I have compassion. With that, I also feel hurt deeply when I feel people have done wrong, I have flaws. I have been known to talk without thinking properly of how my words would effect others. I have hurt people. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I believe there isn't a person on earth that hasn't and that we need to extend grace in these circumstances. I need to extend grace.. which I am practicing, and working on.
Forgiveness and understanding are truly beautiful things, and I hope that one day I can master it. I am trying to focus on positivity. I am happy, and I am trying to look at my problems as something to be learned, because really we are all just children in a great big world trying to learn. I am trying to be my own best friend, and set a standard of how I will be treated by the people around me, and treated by myself. I am setting boundaries, and extending grace. My negative self talk has gone down greatly, VICTORY! I am learning that I am a catch, and I am worth it. With the confidence I am gaining, I see more the beautiful things in others. It really is a great time in my life where I feel like I am "finding myself" cliche, I know. I still have hard days. I still battle with anxiety, PTSD, negativity, and occasionally depression, but I am happy to say that I am rapidly gaining happiness, and I now want to live my life. I want to grow old and see my beautiful children navigate this world. I am not so afraid anymore. I want to wake up everyday to the warmth and scent of Devin next to me and get to see his amazing smile that fills my heart with joy. I am excited about life. I am love my LDS family and friends. I love that the gospel brings them joy. It wasn't right for me, but I see that it is right for others. I respect their decisions to choose, and I hope that they respect mine as well. Life is good. Life is short. I hope we can all love ourselves and others with a desperate determination and desire. I hope we can all extend grace and forgiveness. I hope we can celebrate one another's victories, and help each other up when we are down. I hope that we can all live long happy lives, together.
I ended up writing a letter to the First Presidency about how I can't give them my permission for him to be reinstated because I didn't feel it. Justice was never served, and probably would never be. I did say that I trusted them to make the right choice and act accordingly.. They took my trust and reinstated him without another word to me. Jokes on me I guess. You think I would have learned that they wouldn't do the right thing. The church leaders in my life that knew of my abuse never chose to do the right thing, and in fact did exactly the wrong things by making me internalize the beliefs that it was my fault, that I was worthless, and God truly hated me.
When I was 14 years old I got my Patriarchal Blessing, a blessing I was taught is special directly to me from God Himself. A comfort, a joy, and a roadmap to help me navigate my life here on earth. I was so excited to receive it. And on that day, he asked me a few questions and proceeded with the blessing. The first "off" thing I noticed during it, is that he told me I was born of goodly earthly parents, and that if I followed them and their teachings, I would live a good life. My parents were very messed up. My mom literally told me that God would kill me for being immoral, and other very sickening and harmful statements. My dad was banging other women left and right, killing my mom slowly. That sentence didn't make sense to me. Then next thing that sounded strange to me was he told me I had to avoid the temptation to marry outside the church, I had never dated or even thought of dating a non Latter Day Saint.. and to this day I honestly can say I never was even a little bit tempted. He told me I was beautiful, and I had to keep good friends... and for the kicker, he called me by the wrong name halfway through the blessing. Now a lot of people would just write it off as mistakes of man, but then how much of my blessing wasn't from God, and how much of it was from an old man? And if it was from God, than this was even more evidence of my beliefs that He hated me. Another thing I really didn't understand about my blessing, was that it said nothing of my worth. It said nothing of the horrible trials of my life. It said nothing like "I love you Sadie, and I know you are going through tremendous hard times, you are strong, you will get through this and come out better." Nothing that would be helpful or comforting for me. Nothing to reassure his love for me. Nothing to help pull me out of the darkness. That was so hard for me. God must not really care.
Around the beginning of 2017, I got really really low. My depression ruled my life. I didn't want to live. I tried to pretend to be happy for my family, but everyone knew it was a lie. I started sneaking away from my kids to sit on my bathroom floor and sit with my emptiness. I then would sob and feel so very selfish, because life was good, why was I so freaking low?! I craved for nothingness. I craved for my feelings of hatred, loneliness, and emptiness to stop. I cut myself. I sat and thought of death. I thought of ways to end it. I would go get guns and lock my door and hold it to my head willing myself to just do it. I was such a freaking coward. During this time I would try to double down, live my life 100% in accordance to the church. I would read my scriptures, pray, teach my kids, attend the temple.. but at the end of the day, I would feel alone as ever. I would revert to my deep desire to not exist. I would hold the gun to my head and BEG and bawl and plead and beg some more for God to help me, for him to give me a little comfort, for him to ease my pain even a little. I felt nothing. I felt completely forgotten. I tried to have the poem called "footsteps" there for comfort, but it failed me too. God failed me. I failed me.
One day I wrote out a suicide note and got a sitter and drove away to die. I cried my heart out when I gave my kids their final hug. Annoyingly enough, this happened multiple times, when I would give my kids the final goodbyes. It was my kids and my husband that kept me from pulling the trigger. Devin later found that note. It wasn't easy to hear him confront me about it. I felt guilty and horrible, and I wished I would have had the courage to have pulled the trigger that day, because facing my husband after he found the note was pretty unbearable for me. There were other instances where I looked to prescription pills, knives, or bathwater to end my misery.
I went into the doctor to get some help. I wanted my kids to have a mom, and my husband to have a wife, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. She asked me some questions and got me on some Lexapro to try to help my depression and anxiety. One thing people don't tell you about getting on medication is that sometimes it can have a reverse effect. It helped in some ways, I didn't feel as anxious, but the desire to cut myself grew. I started cutting more and more. My desire to die increased believe it or not.
My cousin took his life right around this same time. He was my age. I remember being so sad that he was gone, but also feeling so envious that he actually went through with it. I know that is such a horrible thing to say, but I couldn't live this life anymore. I understood his pain on a deep level, and I felt for him. I wanted to join him, but I'll admit, seeing the sadness on the faces of my family members and hearing my aunt, his mom, cry a desperate and heart stopping cry unlike any I have ever heard before did give me second thoughts.
Shortly after his funeral, I went back in for a check up appointment with my doctor. The pills had run out. In the few days that I went cold turkey, the depression and anxiety came on strong. I went in and she asked how I was doing. My eyes filled with tears and I told her it got worse. She then told me I needed to go into the hospital right away in the behavioral center and check myself in. I asked her if there were other options and she said "If you don't go right now, I will call an ambulance to bring you there." So I got in the car and called Devin. I bawled. I knew that we didn't have the money to be able to afford an ER bill, and he was out of town and my kids were at a babysitters place.. What would I do? I was ashamed and embarrassed. I went into the ER and told them my doctor called and I was there to talk to a Behavioral specialist. A man came out and I asked what my options were. He told me that he could admit me and run a lot of tests and get a diagnosis and I would have to spend some days in the hospital. He said it would be expensive, but that he would try to make it worth it. We didn't have insurance at the time. He then said the other option would be he could give me some crisis information and send me on my way.. I felt like I would benefit from being admitted, but I was embarrassed and I didn't want to put that financial burden on my family, so instead I took the pamphlet and went home.
Later that night, I got a knock on my front door at home. There were two officers there to do a wellness check on me. The PA I had seen called them and told them I was going to kill myself. I was really embarrassed again. I told them I was alright and they left. My husband is a reserve police officer and my brother in law is a full time officer where I live. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that they were all talking about it at the precinct. All I wanted was some help. I felt like I was screaming at the world to notice that I was on the brink of death and I desperately wanted for it to either end or for someone to help me want to live again. It was a really rough time. I don't even think I was this suicidal when I was going through the abusive years in my youth. All the hurt finally caught up to me fully.
An old friend and neighbor of mine messaged me about a sexual abuse retreat in Utah for victims of sexual crimes as children. She gave me the information and told me to check it out. I figured it wouldn't hurt, so I applied to go. That fall, in November 2017, I got a call that I was accepted and could go at the end of the month. I headed to Utah by myself on a Monday morning. I was so nervous, I admit I didn't do as much research on it as I had wanted to, but I watched some Youtube videos from women who went, and they were all pretty awesome and inspiring, my hope was reignited. Those 4 days were some of the best of my entire life. I learned so much. My biggest problem when I went was feeling like God, the Father who created me, hated my guts. So that was the question I wanted help answering. No one at the retreat could help me answer that question, but they taught me tools to get through tough days. They taught me a ton about how the way you're raised makes such a big effect on the rest of your life, and if your childhood was missing the love and attention you needed, combined with abuse, it was catastrophic for many. I realized how horrible my childhood really was. I realized that what happened to me wasn't my fault, and my parents shouldered some of the blame. Most of all though, I left with a desire to live. I left with fantastic friends and a feeling of belonging. I felt like maybe I could actually live life. It was a turning point for me.
The counselors at the retreat helped me find some counseling locally, and I booked my first appointment in the beginning of 2018. I also got the courage and mustered up the self compassion enough to call the police and turn the sexual predators in. I felt like I was finally taking control back in my life. The year of counseling changed everything. I went in with so much cognitive dissonance, so much sadness in my heart. So many self-destructive beliefs and thoughts. My counselor helped me realize that core beliefs control our automatic thoughts, and our thoughts control our emotions, and our emotions controlled our behavior. So when a situation arises how we react is a direct consequence of our core beliefs. I realized my core beliefs were literally killing me. I talked and talked and talked to my counselor, most of our discussions were about the church in my life. Some of them were about relationships and others about my childhood abuse, but like 80% of them probably were about the church I was a part of, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She helped me see that the church was telling me that it was the only way to happiness, and yet I was so unhappy. In that way and in so many other ways, I learned that for me, the beliefs I had from the church mimicked that of an abusive relationship and were a big part of why I wanted to die..
I got some resources and some recommended reading material and down the rabbit hole I went.
2019:
I learned so much in the last year or so.. I feel like I have learned more about my religion in the last few months than I have in years in it. I learned about the life of Joseph Smith, I learned how he used a seer stone that he found in the earth before he ever got the plates to go treasure hunting, and he actually used it to go treasure hunting for others, they would pay him to find them treasure. He would use his seer stone to figure out where it was, and then they would dig there. But when they dug and didn't find treasure, he simply said that it buried itself deeper into the earth. I read a church approved book called "A Rough Stone Rolling" sold at Deseret Book, and I learned a lot more about the prophet I thought I knew. On lds.org in the essays it goes into more details of how Joseph actually translated the book of mormon, not with the Golden Plate, but rather by using the seer stone he previously found and putting it into a hat. (read footnotes of the essays too, there is a lot of info there)
I learned that Joseph not only practiced polygyny, but also polyandry. He would send men on missions for years and then they would marry their wives while they were away, and claim their children for his own. Not only was he being sealed to women for eternity, but also for time, and that included sexual relations. (lds.org gospel topic essays) I learned that Emma caught him having an affair with Fanny Alger in the barn and Emma threw her out, and he was chastised about it by his peers. (they don't come right out and say sex, but it was implied) I learned that he was being sealed to women in secret, before he came out with the revelation of polygamy, and behind Emma's back. In fact, he actually told Emma she couldn't get her endowments until she agreed to his polygamy (she didn't' accept it at first, and in D&C section 132, Joseph says that in order to practice polygamy, a man first needed the okay from the first wife, which he didn't get and still was practicing) he threatened her with damnation if she wouldn't listen to him. He was sealed to 18 women before he was sealed to Emma, and he actually was re-sealed to the Partridge sisters because Emma suggested them and she didn't know he was already sealed to them. In the church approved/sold book called "Mormon Enigma" sold at Deseret Book, it goes into the marriage of Joseph and Emma, and you see how clearly messed up there marriage was. It looks like she was getting ready to divorce him when he died. He actually told a faithful man in the church that he needed to give him his wife to prove himself to Joseph. After 3 days of heart wrenching thought and prayer, the man finally agrees, and Joseph instead says he wanted the man's daughter, which he married. He threatened a young woman to marry him or else she would bring eternal damnation upon her family. He was married to women as young as 14, and I read an article where a renowned sexual abuse therapist was asked to study Joseph Smith's behavior (I don't believe she knew who it was) and she came back saying she saw exact patterns in his behavior as a sexual predator. He used manipulation to get women to be with him. Back in the day, you weren't supposed to have sex with a woman if she was pregnant or nursing, and a good friend of mine is actually doing a study that has evidence that women came into Joseph's life when he wasn't allowed to sleep with Emma. Joseph claimed that God sent an angel with a flaming sword to threaten Joseph's life if he did not practice polygamy... would God do that? And why would an angel need a flaming sword? A Year of Polygamy podcast (active LDS woman does the podcast) is a great resource to learn of the history of polygamy and the heartbreaking stories of these families that were manipulated and torn apart.
When I learned about the true history of polygamy, it shattered my shelf. When I realized that not only did the church leaders not help me when I went to them about sexual abuse in my youth and as an adult, but they made me believe that the fault lied with me (even though I was a minor), and then I learned that Joseph Smith, the prophet who was second only to Jesus Christ himself, did the same things to girls as was don't to me, I could no longer stay. That was it for me. However, I learned so so so much more.
I learned that Brigham Young taught that you had to live polygamy in order to be exalted as a God. I learned that Brigham Young taught that Adam was actually God the Father. I learned that he taught the Blood Atonement, and it was actually expected of you to follow through with it. (Where you have to publicly spill your own blood, or slit your throat and cut open your belly to spill your bowels) if you broke your covenants (and actually this was part of the temple endowment up until 1990, and it is said today that it still is a part of it, you just no longer have to make the motions of slitting your body open any longer.) I learned that in the time of Joseph and Brigham, the temple garment was reserved for polygamists.
I realized all of the sexism within the church. No, I don't mean that women can't practice the priesthood specifically, (although back in the day they were allowed to give priesthood blessings, and that was taken away) but things like throughout history, women are only secondary to men, and early prophets had this mindset as well. I am talking about polygyny, and no polyandry. I am talking about how in the temples women covenanted to obey their husbands and abide by everything they say, and only men covenant with God himself. (Yes, I realize they changed this recently, but I truly believe they changed it because so many people are leaving.) I am talking about how the disciplinary counsel is different for men and women, and how only recently were women allowed to pray in conference.
I see the hurt of the November 2015 policy against children of gay couples being baptized. The LGB people are hurting, and although I see both sides of the issue, it breaks my heart to see it.
I see the hurt of sexual abuse victims being utterly silenced by parents and church leaders alike. I myself was told not to report it to the police, by almost every adult I talked to about it, including multiple bishops and steak presidents, and I have not received any support from the church (even though he admitted to them what happened) with the court case I now have against my predators. Leaders have told victims to "just let it go" time and time again for multiple reasons, and do not offer support or to help us get help with counseling or medical doctors. What about the victims? What about justice?
I see that changes are being made, and I am happy they are, but I have seen policies deeply hurt people. I have seen suicides from people feel hopeless because they believe in the teaching of the church, and they aren't happy, but are told it is the only way to happiness. (a form of manipulation) And without apologies, (and in fact they have excommunicated people who are trying to bring about change) the damage is done, and changes like this don't fix that damage. I heard it said once that it was like the church stabbed a knife into them 5 inches deep, and then pulled it out two inches (the changes). The pain and hurt is still there for many.
I honestly could go on and on about things I have learned. Here are some more resources for things I have learned:
LDS Gospel Topic Essays:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/gospel-topics/essays?lang=eng
READ FOOTNOTES TOO
A letter to CES about church issues:
https://cesletter.org
Reasons why they left:
http://www.letterformywife.com/letter/
https://whyweleft.wordpress.com
Mormon Priestess:
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/04/the-mormon-priestess-the-short-version/
This one I love:
https://karlijo.wixsite.cobeautyinthebreaking/home/i-got-off-the-boatm/
3 Degrees:
https://zelphontheshelf.com/a-plagiarized-plan-the-origin-of-the-3-degrees/
Handcart Company info/Mountain Meadows Massacre: :(
http://blog.mrm.org/2006/06/the-mormon-handcart-experiment/
https://www.deseretnews.com/article/635210728/Historians-fault-leaders-in-LDS-handcart-tragedy.html
https://www.denverpost.com/2008/12/11/handcart-hypocrisy/
The movie "September Dawn"
More resources:
http://mormonprimer.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/MormonPrimer7.pdf
http://www.mormonthink.com/runningweb.htm
http://www.mormonthink.com/personalstories/bruce-holt.htm
Polygamy of JS with LDS resources:
A Year Of Polygamy Podcast
A Rough Stone Rolling
Mormon Enigma
Polygamy being required:
The Journal of Discourses
http://116pages.com/2016/08/evidence-that-jospeh-smith-was-sexual.html?m=1
Empty Heaven:
https://www.the-exponent.com/guest-post-meet-me-in-almost-heaven/
And I have SO MANY MORE!
Ultimately it come down to this:
I have always lived with so much cognitive dissonance with the church. It was hard for me when I believed, because if I believed it was all true, then I believed what adults told me about how awful I was for "tempting married, recommend holding, priesthood holders" and I believed that I wasn't good enough, and God hated me. I looked to the church for answers and for happiness, and it was a dry well for my thirst. Since I have left, I have realized that I can find my own answers, my own happiness. I can find that power in myself. I have started a journey to change the core beliefs that I once had, to believe in myself, and become my own best friend. I have realized that I was a kid, I CRAVED love. I CRAVED validation, and for temporary/fleeting moments the abusers in my life gave me the false feeling of love and acceptance I so desperately wanted. I have learned something about myself, I look to other people (or institutions) to make myself feel loved, and my expectations are high, and when they fail to make me feel loved, I would get very low. I have learned that happiness is not something you find, it's something you create, and I needed to create it for myself and not depend on others to create it for me. I have learned that I REALLY like myself as a person. I am kind, I care about people. Other people's feelings mean a lot to me. I see a light and a beauty in people and in their imperfect state. I have compassion. With that, I also feel hurt deeply when I feel people have done wrong, I have flaws. I have been known to talk without thinking properly of how my words would effect others. I have hurt people. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I believe there isn't a person on earth that hasn't and that we need to extend grace in these circumstances. I need to extend grace.. which I am practicing, and working on.
Forgiveness and understanding are truly beautiful things, and I hope that one day I can master it. I am trying to focus on positivity. I am happy, and I am trying to look at my problems as something to be learned, because really we are all just children in a great big world trying to learn. I am trying to be my own best friend, and set a standard of how I will be treated by the people around me, and treated by myself. I am setting boundaries, and extending grace. My negative self talk has gone down greatly, VICTORY! I am learning that I am a catch, and I am worth it. With the confidence I am gaining, I see more the beautiful things in others. It really is a great time in my life where I feel like I am "finding myself" cliche, I know. I still have hard days. I still battle with anxiety, PTSD, negativity, and occasionally depression, but I am happy to say that I am rapidly gaining happiness, and I now want to live my life. I want to grow old and see my beautiful children navigate this world. I am not so afraid anymore. I want to wake up everyday to the warmth and scent of Devin next to me and get to see his amazing smile that fills my heart with joy. I am excited about life. I am love my LDS family and friends. I love that the gospel brings them joy. It wasn't right for me, but I see that it is right for others. I respect their decisions to choose, and I hope that they respect mine as well. Life is good. Life is short. I hope we can all love ourselves and others with a desperate determination and desire. I hope we can all extend grace and forgiveness. I hope we can celebrate one another's victories, and help each other up when we are down. I hope that we can all live long happy lives, together.
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