Chapter 1- Forever Young

***This blog is about my childhood, it has sexual and abusive content. Please read with caution if you suffer from any triggers.

Overview:

This is the first time I have ever shared this story, especially so publicly, I definitely have the jitters and am super nervous. Most of my family doesn't even know about this, and if you are close to me and have questions, I have to tell you I can't just give out the answers.. some I can answer, but I am not giving out names. Here goes. 

You never know what someone is really going through. You never know what is going on behind the scenes. Even when they are your family. Even when you are living with them. You’d never know that the girl you just rolled your eyes at had been up all night because her mental mother handed her a gun and told her someone was going to break in at 3am. Or that the flesh on her back was being eaten away because of a nasty little herb, that that same mother applied, too often it seemed, then was told to go into immediate surgery to remedy it. You’d never know that the girl you assume to have “the easy life” had been molested, manipulated, raped, made to feel unworthy of the life you see, the life she pretends to have. If you could see her on the inside, I am sure you would be shocked by the darkness and hurt.

 It is hard being raised in a religion where people strive for perfection, and are sometimes not so understanding with those who truly struggle. Like when you hear people ask your husband if he served a mission, and you are cringing on the inside because you know exactly why he didn’t, and you are proud of the reason he didn’t. Not many truly will understand. Even when being told, I don’t think you could understand unless you lived it. It was because of me he didn’t go.

Life is certainly lived by cause and effect. The hard things seem to have started when I was young, and because they started young, I couldn’t handle them later in life when they got worse. Much worse. You see, when you are molested by someone you love, it does a whole hell of a lot inside you. It messes you up. And when you finally find the courage somewhere deep down to tell someone about it, they tell you to keep quiet. Cause & Effect: A few years later when another person you love rapes you, you know telling people wouldn’t do any good. And you are left alone to be destroyed from the inside out.

 He makes you think he is in love with you, that you are in love with him. He promises you. (Manipulation) Although he is almost twice your age and is married. That makes you feel even more worthless. Then he apologizes and tells you how sorry he is, at least until it happens again. Again and again, until there isn’t much of YOU left. When I say YOU, I mean all the good things that made me, me. All the happy. You get to the point where you feel like you were put on the earth for the sole purpose to please men. You have no value. Shoot, you are less than dirt… Then you lose all your friends at school. You lose respect, it seems, from everyone. You have no one to talk to. You are so afraid no one will understand and they will be ashamed of you. You lose your boyfriend because you don’t feel worthy to face him again. You feel like life can’t get any worse. At night, you feel so empty and hurt, the only way to describe it is feeling like the very soul inside you has died and shriveled into something unrecognizable.

 All the beliefs you thought you had, in a way crush you. You don’t think Heavenly Father would ever care to have you (damaged, unworthy, dirty) again. Heaven died for me the night my soul died, at least for a time. You feel ready to give up this horrible life that has robbed you of your virtue. Virtue, the newest of the Young Woman’s values. The one that makes you feel like you might vomit in Young Woman’s when you say it, because mine was taken. It was gone forever.. At least, that was how it felt. I didn’t belong with these other girls who seemed to have their virtue not only in-tact, but glowing. How could I stay in this life?!

 My husband now, was heaven sent. literally. He may not have known it, but it’s true. He came into my life just in time to keep it going. And it was my fault he didn’t go on a mission. He came into my life when I needed someone most. He brought back feeling and happiness. Who knew I could feel that again?! Life comes with so much regret. He brought me out of the murky waters of regret. I was serious about ending my life. I had thought it through and attempted in a few times.. Like I said, you NEVER know what someone, even someone close to you, is going through.

 This is a very tiny rundown of the details that messed up my life, but I hope it gets the point across. I hope that somehow, what I went through will help open eyes. I recently watched 13 Reason’s Why, on Netflix. It hit home. That story is more real then people realize. I can tell you first-hand how real it is. It brought back some of the darkest moments of my life, but it can help too. There is hope. There IS people who love you, even when you don’t feel it. There is happiness ahead… Trust me on that too. Your soul isn’t as lost as it feels, and it certainly isn’t dead, it’s just wounded. Heavenly Father does want you. You are virtuous. You are worth life. You deserve life… Just hold on. Get help, my bishop and LDS Family Services saved me. Trust that dark situations end, and you will feel the light again. And it will be wonderful.

Oh and one more thing about my husband, I have heard it said "How great will be your joy if you save but one soul" well he saved mine. 

My Story:

I grew up in an LDS "yours, mine, and ours" pieced together family. My mom was married twice before and my dad once before my parents were married. They each had two kids of their own when they were married and had 3 more kids together. I am the youngest of 7. My parents had a lot of hard experiences in their lives. Unfortunately, when I was still very young, my dad cheated on my mother and it never seemed to stop. I can't even remember how many times my mom would tell me they were getting divorced. I do remember one time though when both my parents came and told my sister and I that dad was leaving and going to go live with another woman. I was so sad and confused. He later decided to stay, but the cheating and the relationship complications never went away. We went to church every Sunday, but my parents didn't really live it. It was confusing the way I was raised.

My mom was always "sick". She was always in bed it seemed. She would come out in the mornings to help us off to school, and to feed us, but other than that it seemed like I didn't see tons of her, at least that was how she was when I was old enough to remember. She always said she had cancer and leaky gut syndrome and an itchy brain, stuff like that. Both my parents learned about muscle testing, and they did it all the time. My mom especially. Muscle testing is where you hold something (like pills or food) and ask your body if it needs it, then you either lean forward or backward for yes and no. Or another way is you use your fingers and if your finger grip breaks then it is a no. At least that is the way they did it. I always felt like they were weird compared to my friend's parents. Come to find out my mom was mentally ill, but more on that in a bit.. I feel like my parents weren't all that present in my life. They never taught me about things. I had to ask my sister Lillian everything. I never learned about sex or sexual things. I never learned boundaries that well. 

My dad does agricultural insulation for a living and we traveled a lot growing up, or I would stay at home with my mom while dad left for work. My oldest siblings weren't in the house for that much of my childhood I feel like. They were quite a bit older than I. One of them though, my brother Bryce was a very liked, popular kid and had loads of friends. It seemed like they were always over at our house when I was little. I loved it. I loved how our house was always filled with laughter. When they grew up and moved out, one of my brother's friends, Justin, came home from his mission and came to live with us, he started college at BYU-I. Justin was big and fun and loved to laugh, but took school very seriously. He was easy going and the kind of guy everyone loves. He was like a big brother to me, but more than that he was my friend. He was the first person, that I can actually remember, I am pretty sure it happened before this too, to molest me.

I was a pre-teen in middle school when it started. We became close friends. he was so easy to talk to. I was always hanging out with him, he made me feel older than I was and it felt cool to me. I grew up in a home that loved movies, we couldn't wait for evenings to hit to turn on the movie. He was very good at giving back rubs/tickles and I always asked him for one while watching movies. We'd all lay down and chill and grab the blankets and I would get a back rub too, lucky me! It was the perfect end to long days. Eventually though his fingers would tickle a little lower and a little higher, although he would stop before it went too close to other parts of me.. but then I started catching him doing weird things. 

He would always walk up behind me and rub my shoulders, but while doing so would push the collar of my shirt forward so he could peek down the front. I reasoned with myself, that wasn't really what he was doing, I think I am paranoid. Plus, even if it was it isn't that bad right?! I mentioned how clueless I was about boundaries. I honestly had no idea what was not okay, but I would come to learn first-hand what wasn't. I was always very bubbly and nice and in full disclosure, I would walk around the house in my shirt and underwear all the time in the evenings, it was just normal to me.

One time I spilled something on my shirt and Justin insisted that I go and change. I thought that was a little silly since I didn't think I spilled that much on myself, but maybe I missed some (naive me). I went into my room and closed the door and yanked my shirt off. I threw it in the hamper and started to look for another one. Then I heard a noise in the hallway and I looked at my door and saw a big dark shadow under the door. We were the only ones home. I hid behind the wall and crawled over to the door, I had no idea what the shadow was. By the time I got to the door I realized it was Justin looking at me. I saw his bright blue eye peeking under the door. I was surprised and said "Hey! I saw you!" and he said "Ha ha good", and played it off like it was nothing. I was embarrassed since I just had a bra and pants on. 

Another time he was staying with me while everyone was out, and my parents had a sauna in their bedroom, it was by two windowed french doors that lead outside, and the door of the sauna was glass.  I told him I was thinking about going in the sauna and he said I should do it. So I got undressed and put a towel around me and got my favorite CD and got in the sauna. a few minutes later I started getting pretty hot and thought about getting out. I opened my eyes and saw Jason staring at me through the glass. He said he was just checking on me, but then he opened the blinds on the french doors before he left, although it was night. I am pretty sure he went outside and was watching me from outside. It was light in the sauna, and there would have been a clear enough view without me seeing him very well in the night, that's why he opened the blinds. I got out after that. 

Another time we were up camping and he came to wake me up for breakfast and I am not sure how far it went, but I woke up to his hand on my lower abdomen and the tips of his fingers were under the band of my panties, he pulled his hand off as soon as I woke up and told me he was trying to tickle me awake. After some instances like these, he did put his hand all the way down my pants. In the evenings I would fall asleep watching a movie and he would very slowly move his hand lower so not to wake me, although it would wake me and I was just too scared to do anything. I froze. I have learned that when someone I love and care for deeply puts me in a situation like that I freeze. (which is the most common reaction in situations like this.) He also did this while making out with his fiancé once. Another night after he got married to his wife, they were staying at our house and I wasn't feeling very well. I took a Nyquil and went to my room. I fell asleep pretty quick and I just remember waking up in the middle of the night and my shirt and bra were both pulled up above my chest (I was maybe 12-13) and my pants were undone and pulled down to expose my pelvic area. It was really dark, but after a few seconds I knew what was happening and I knew who it was doing it. I started to shake like a leaf. I was so scared. He looked and touched, I don't know what else he was doing. I don't think he knew when I woke up, but when I started shaking the way I did he quickly covered me back up and gently shook my shoulder as to wake me up, he told me to go to bed. I got up and saw that his wife was asleep just a few feet away from us, and I ran downstairs to my sisters room and bawled and shook and told my sister what happened.

We told my parents, who told me not to tell anyone because if it were reported it could ruin his life. They didn't ask me if I was okay. They didn't talk to me about it. I don't even think they asked me how far it went. He could have raped me and they wouldn't have cared it seemed. I didn't know what to do. They let him stay in our house after that too. Life went on like nothing happened, although I was hurting. My sister was furious and hurt too. They continued to allow Justin in my life, and I believed he even "babysat" me after they knew. He continued to molest me, and try to catch glimpses of me nude. I eventually did tell my bishop because he asked me if there was anything keeping me from having a recommend, I couldn't hold it in. The bishop proceeded to ask me details, with an attitude of disbelief, because he knew Justin and had spent time with him. He said he was a good man, and he wanted to know my part to play. (I was young & asleep!) He asked me if it would have been worse for me if I had been tied up, to which I didn't know how to answer. I left feeling ashamed and guilty and regretted telling him anything. I felt like it was my fault and it was hard to face the bishop again after that.

The abuse happened over the span of a few years. One night I got a knock at the door, I ran and opened it and there stood a very awkward and sad looking Justin. He timidly asked me if he could come in, which was weird because he could have just walked in like always. Once inside, he broke down and bawled. I have never seen a 6ft something 200+ lb. grown man cry like that before ever. I was stunned. He told my mom what he did and apologized to me and to everyone else. My mom told him she already knew and he looked at her like she was crazy. "Why did you let me in your home if you knew?" He asked. "Because I know people make mistakes." was all my mom said. He came back the next day and talked with my dad and apologized again since my dad wasn't home that night. They shook hands, and I haven't seen much of him since. I saw the sorrow in his eyes that night. I know he meant it. I have completely forgiven him, but I am sad that it cost our friendship and the friendship of his wife and family. I am sad that because what happened there became a gateway to what happened to me next. 

Most people probably won't understand why I didn't stop him or scream or have the Fight or Flight reaction. Well when a person that is one of your best friends, and basically your older brother does something like that to you it is shocking, scary and I froze. You can't believe that they would do something like that and betray your trust, you are hurt and confused and you freeze. I didn't want him to get into trouble, I didn't want him to do what he was doing. I didn't want to ruin his life like my parent's said. I was hurt beyond words to describe, but I didn't want to hurt him back. My mom told me after that that she felt like Justin was in love with me. I asked her how because he had gotten married in the temple to someone else, and she said people can be in love with more than one person at the same time. That messed up my young teen mind even further :(.

TO BE CONTINUED-