Chapter 2- 16 candles.

My teen years were very disturbing. My dad was gone working a lot, mom was getting more weird. My closest siblings had left the house and started their own lives. I was the only one left home. My mom wasn't eating much. She was sick with some new thing she read or saw somewhere and locked herself in her room most of the time. She was saying weird things and taking tons of pills. Like tons.

Around this time she started telling me that we were being stalked by a very bad man. She told me the Lord gave her a special gift (muscle testing) to answer her questions and tell her what was going to happen. She started muscle testing for things other than food and pills. Things like whether someone was after her, and what he looked like. She would guess his race and age and hair color and when her finger grip wouldn't break quite as easily that meant she guessed it right. Although I am pretty sure she changed her mind from Mexican American to Caucasian once. She told me to be careful and come straight home from school. It was a little scary because this was the first time she was so blatantly crazy. I was so confused and what if for some reason she was right?! One night I woke up with goosebumps. I had a really dark, bad feeling in my stomach. I walked out of my room to find the lights on and my mom on the phone with the police. I heard her say there was someone in our house and to hurry. I just kept asking her what was going on. 

The police came and searched the house and the entire property. There was no one there and there were no signs of anyone trying to break in. Another night my mom told me I needed to sleep in her room with her that night because someone was going to try to break in that night. Later that night, she woke me up and gave me a loaded gun and told me to go hide in my room. She grabbed a baseball bat and muscle tested to confirm which window he would come in and exactly what time he would try to break in. 3am. We stayed awake waiting.. me praying. Then 3 came and went. She was so confused. (After thinking back on it now, there were times when my mom could very easily have killed me with the weapons she had in the dead of the night. What if I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and my sleep deprived/sick mother shot me?) The next night she called my grandparents and asked if her and I could stay the night. At this point I was annoyed. Mom, there is no man! I want to sleep in my own bed! She insisted that if we spent the night there and woke up early enough and snuck back over to our house, we would catch him trying to break in her window. 

She muscle tested that he was after her and wanted her dead. He was very dangerous. He would be caught this time. We slept at my grandparents house and woke up at like 5am to go back to our house to catch the bad guy. We drove past the house and parked down the street. We walked along the field behind our house to sneak up to our property. We sat and waited in the weeds. I was really annoyed. No one was there, big surprise! I was tired. I was sick of this. I had started to really not trust my mom. She would do crazy things like refuse to go into our trailer for fear of contracting a highly contagious disease and dying. She threw out all her skin care and makeup, they were contaminated. She went out and bought herself a bunch of new things, like shoes and a towel and clothes etc. We weren't allowed to touch anything she touched, or we would die. She would sleep in her car and she would run away. She went crazy with disinfecting wipes. She was actually contradictory though because she would make us food, or hug us, but not let us touch anything of hers. She sprinkled cheese on her head and walked out of a temple endowment session once.

She was positive that a freckle I had on my back was melanoma. She went to an herb lady and bought something called Black Salve,  that's what she called it. She told me it would get rid of it. She muscle tested to see how often she needed to put it on me. It was about every 3 hours for about 4 days, she would clean the old salve off and apply a new thick layer all around the freckle. It wasn't so bad at first, but then it started stinging and burning bad and it got big really quickly. Night time was a joke, no sleep just lots of pain and crying, tossing and turning. By the third day I couldn't bare anything to rub on it, I didn't dare to move my arm. When she would change the bandages covering the salve and the wound, it would stick to the skin and hurt like hell to remove. The gauze was rough texture and it would hurt. I was scared.

My mom came into my room and told me to remove my shirt so she could see it. At this point there was a weird looking spot that burned like hell. It was pretty huge, like inches in both directions. My mom told me that the Lord told her she needed to rip it out with tweezers. I was so scared and started crying, it already hurt, I was terrified of her touching it again, let alone tearing out my flesh with tweezers. Just before she began my family started to come home from working out of town. My cousin and a co-worker came in and gave me a Priesthood Blessing. 

This is the burn. The white
marks are where they cut into it with a scalpel
but it wouldn't bleed.

My big brother Chase and his wife Nicole came in. They started asking my mom questions. They were very worried about me and told her she couldn't use tweezers. They took me home to their house that night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't hardly move my arm. I was in so much pain. I was scared because I didn't know what to do. I thought that the huge burning chunk of my back was going to fall off. The next morning, Chase and Nicole brought me into a Community Care where the doctor stabbed the effected area with a scalpel. He said that the tissue was dead and there should be blood but there isn't. He said I needed to go to the hospital. When I stood up to leave all the sudden things went black. I passed out and I think my brother caught me before I hit the ground. 

After I got a juice box and gathered myself, they took me right over to EIRMC. After they rolled me in past the ER waiting room, my parents showed up. I could hear them clear down the hallway. They were shouting at someone, they said something about the hospital being full of Staff Infection and that there was no way I was staying there. They yanked me out of the wheelchair and brought me outside to their car. Chase and Nicole and her mom and another lady stopped them from leaving. They were all yelling at each other. My mom wanted to take me home. She said she couldn't stay at the hospital or they would commit her. They made the suggestion of taking me to Madison Memorial Hospital instead. Dad agreed. 

Next thing I knew my mom was angry and went home and my dad brought me to Rexburg. I can't remember a whole lot that happened there, but I remember talking to my mom and sister on the phone. Mom was mad at me. My sister Lea Ann seemed confused. Then they wheeled me into immediate surgery. I was scared as they wheeled me away. The operating room was cold and smelled of Pepperoni Pizza. I thought maybe they had had a pizza party in there or something. I remember she put a mask on me and told me to count down.. 

This is a rundown of the surgery.

3rd degree burn through all layers of tissue, full thickness.
 Will require excision or skin grafting. 

Next thing I remember was waking up and barfing. Then I passed back out and then woke up later in a hospital room with my dad, Chase, and Nicole there with me. I remember Nicole talking to someone and then a choir came in and sang "I Need Thee Every Hour". I remember feeling so peaceful when I heard their beautiful voices filling the room. The doctor later told me I had had hundreds of dissolvable stitches and they cut out 48 sq inches of tissue. They thought they would have to do a skin graft, and prepped my butt cheek, because there was so much removed. They said that my muscle was burned and if I hadn't gotten to the hospital the day I did I could have lost the use of my right arm. They also said that if the herb had penetrated the artery I would have died. I walked like Igor all hunched over for a few weeks. My scar went from my spine to my armpit. It eventually stretched out enough for me to walk upright. I feel so bad for my brother and his wife, they were so young, and probably were worried about how they would afford to take me to the Dr and the hospital, but they were willing to pay for it themselves because that is how awesome they are. My brother has always watched out for me, and was there for me when I needed help, he is a truly amazing big brother. The best any girl could ask for. And I am so grateful to him and his wife for saving me. 

After this happened, I was 16, and in the summertime we went to Tri-cities WA and I started working with my dad. There were a lot of us that worked with him, including two of my brothers, my sister and other family members. My dad was business partners with my brother Chase, and one of my other brother Bryce's best friend's, Steve. Steve was basically my father's other son. He was a brother to us kids. He had worked with us for years, since he came home from his LDS mission I believe. He married a woman named Dara and they had one son and she was pregnant with a baby girl. One night we were all out swimming after work and my sister Lea Ann and I started up a game of steal the ball, where whoever had the ball was the winner. It was mostly her, I and Steve playing. His family weren't with us, they were back home in Idaho. After playing for a while most everyone got out of the pool except Steve and I. That was the first night he kissed me. I wasn't even sure if that was what happened, because I had dove under the water and tried grabbing the ball and he dove under too and pressed his mouth against me.. so maybe it wasn't technically a kiss, but he did it about 3 times. I tried to justify it by thinking maybe he was just trying to push me away with his face.

My dad had hired some young men from surrounding LDS Wards in the Tri-Cities area, I remember the first time I met them. My mom and I had just arrived in Kennewick and met my dad at Outback Steakhouse with the entire construction crew for steak dinner. They had met their goal, and dad bought them steak dinners in return. There was some pretty good looking guys there that night. One had a girl with him, and the others didn't. One of them was really tall with blue eyes and a shy smile.  The one with the girl had darker skin and dark eyes, and was obviously the kind of guy that was the life of the party. Fast forward a little bit, those boys came to Idaho and my parents left to go do a job in North Dakota. I got closer to them. They were fun unlike any boys that I grew up with. They were from a way bigger city and had adventure in their souls. 

One night we went to the park and all around Idaho Falls. We went to Pioneer Park and went cliff jumping into the river. We played catch with a football. Randomly, the dark haired boy, Josh, ran up to me and picked me up and kissed me hard. Whoa! What was that?! It was exciting. He was good looking and the type of boy that could get any girl he wanted. I was a bit flattered that he would choose to kiss me of all people. I was also a bit embarrassed since I barely knew him and we were surrounded by all our friends, but I liked the attention. Later that night, we all went for a walk and stopped on a freeway overpass. We all started to play Perdiddle/Perdunkle, but according to Josh, instead of slapping the roof of the car, you had to kiss if you saw one. Our tall blue-eyed friend, Jacob, or Jake, just laughed and kind of ignored him. Then Josh kissed me again. Only once during that game though. Then we went to the drive in theater. Josh kissed me again there. I didn't know what to say, and I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. It wasn't the first time I had kissed boys, but it had been a while. 

Well the next night we found ourselves alone, kissing, and it led to dry humping (clothed). I had no clue what I was doing, never did that before. Then the next night we messed up, we touched, or heavy petting as the bishop called it. I felt so horrible after that. The next morning Josh found me and told me he thought of me like a sister. I wanted to punch him. I thought, you'd do that with your sister?!

After that he basically pretended I didn't exist. I went to my bishop (same one as before) and confessed, and started one of my first repentance processes. The bishop asked a lot of questions again, and I felt horrible. Josh called and asked me to go back and tell the bishop it wasn't him I did those things with, to say I lied about it, because he wanted to go on a mission still. Yeah that didn't happen. I became closer to Jake. He talked to me and was kind. I thought maybe he wouldn't talk to me because he would think I was a slut. I started to fall away from my group of friends at this time too. I felt like I was a third wheel to my two best friends who were now dating, and I felt like I needed to follow God more. 

I started dating Jake, he was so full of life. I had never met anyone like him before. He was kind of shy, but his personality was golden. He was funny and cute and like 6'2" and I fell for him. We would go on some of the awesomest dates before he left for his mission a few months later. I thought I was going to marry him. He was everything I wanted in a future husband. Some of the best times of my life was with him. I hope he is doing well now. I will always have a place in my heart for him. 

Now, the darkest part of my life begins right around here. We went out of town working again, except this time we were in Klamath Falls, OR. It was a great summer so far. Steve was seriously so nice to me. He always had my back and would always talk to me. We became close friends. I would hug him hello if I hadn't seen him in a while. I would talk to him. He would confide in me, tell me things I doubted the rest of my family knew. He gave me attention. He filled my need to feel loved and accepted for a time. He started complimenting me. Now, as an adult, I look back and see the warning signs in both cases of abuse. Unfortunately, at the time I didn't even think about it. I trusted them. I loved them. 

One night after work, I went over to the boys trailer, cause what teenage girl would want to stay in the boring trailer with her parents when there was a party every night next door?! My mom was getting really bad at this point too, it was hard to be around her honestly. Anyways, I went over and started to watch Joe Dirt with Steve on his laptop. About like 15 minutes into the movie, he just slipped his hand right down the front of my pants. Just like that. without any warning or hesitation. With me fully awake and aware. I couldn't believe it was happening AGAIN! He didn't tickle or nudge or soften me up to him in any way. He was bold and brash. He went for what he wanted. The sad part is that he knew that I had been molested previously. He knew how hurt I had been from that. 

I was completely shocked. Once again. I started shaking and I told him I was scared. He pulled his hand out after that. I had a pit in my stomach the size of a bowling ball. I felt that God left my soul that night. I got up and went into my parent's trailer and bawled. I felt like I was dying inside. Not again. Please, no. I can't tell anyone. It only harmed me more the last time I did that. Plus, it's Steve. No one would believe me. Especially since I told them about Justin already. It wouldn't happen to the same person more than once, right?! I must just be a sex toy for men to use and then leave when they're done. What about his wife? Why me? Is this what God wants for my life? Where is He? Does He care? God, I don't feel you. Do you hate me now? So many thoughts were running through my head and I didn't sleep a wink. 

Then he kissed me one day. Again, shock, fear, but also a spark of the things I craved. He said he'd wanted to do that for a long time. I talked to him about his wife. He said he loved her as a person, but he wasn't in love with her. He was in love with me. What? In love with me?! But I loved Jacob. I would be betraying Jake.. What was I going to do now?! He told me it wasn't a matter of 'if' but 'when' his wife and him were going to get divorced. She doesn't love me either, he said. Please, I love YOU. I want YOU, he said. We will get married one day. We'll be together. One night, we were in Moses Lake, WA and I had gone swimming with my friends, Taylor and Cameron. They got out of the pool to go get sodas, but I didn't feel like one. I wanted to swim. I saw Steve in the pool with me. Uh oh. He walked over to me and started talking to me. I turned away from him looking to see if Taylor and Cameron would come back. I couldn't see them. I turned back around and to my utter shock, Steve had pulled down his shorts and his erect penis was out. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I didn't know what to do. I started looking around and was saved by someone else coming to the pool area. He quickly covered himself when he heard someone approaching. I got out of the pool and went back to the room I was sharing with my parents. One night I went to his room and I sat on his bed and was talking to him, he started kissing me and then pushed me back onto my back and pulled off my pants and he tried to have sex with me, but he couldn't get it in.

I felt so sick. I felt so dirty. I wanted him in my life, because I cared about him. So much cognitive dissonance. I felt like he was such a good guy and I would be crazy to not want to be with him, but I didn't in that way. I liked his attention though, and I worried about his family back home. I wanted him and I didn't at the same time. I loved him and I was terrified of him. I can literally feel the same feelings I had when I was with him as I write this. The really horrible part of all this is that I had started to get used to the idea of us. I knew I didn't want romance with him, but I wanted him. When he wasn't hurting me, he was kind and thoughtful. He would butter me up with compliments and declarations of love and future plans. He was nearly twice my age, but he would tell me that my family already loved him, they would eventually get used to the idea of us.. I would be a stepmom to his now two kids. Life was going to work out. He would romanticize everything. He would tell me how important I was to him. One time when I asked him about his ex-girlfriend, his high school sweetheart, he would admittedly tell me he still loved her. He told me that there was something about me that reminded him of her. I think he wishes he would have ended up with her and I was his replacement for her. Eventually he tricked me into thinking I was in love with him too. It got to the point where I would go along with it. He told me that he slept with her before he went on a mission. 

I was young and vulnerable and confused. I hated myself. I HATED myself. I had no self respect anymore. I felt like I was nothing of worth. I remember laying there at night wanting my life to end, wanting there to not even be an after life. I just wanted my soul to become non-existent. I wanted to not feel anymore. I started to numb myself, because that was the only way I could exist. One time I tried to give him some money because he kept paying for my meals, and he tried to give it back and it turned into a game. I gave him the money and ran away and he chased me to give it back and he would put it in my clothes and then run away. One of the times he put his whole arm down the front of my shirt and put the money in between my boobs, and another time he tried to put it into the front of my underwear before I stopped him. He regularly got really handsy with me.

The first time he raped me, was on a Sunday, right after Sacrament, ironically enough. We left church and it was just me and Steve. I honestly thought we were just going to head back to the trailers. We went to a car wash and then he pulled into a Walmart parking lot. He kissed me, and sadly, and honestly, I kissed him back. I had gotten used to it by now. He grabbed me and pulled me closer to him. He jerked my underwear down my legs, I was in a dress. I did not want this. I didn't know what to do. It all happened so fast. He held me around my torso and pulled me down hard onto him. He was inside me. Literally, it was fast and hard and it hurt like hell, then it was over and I was bleeding. He was surprised and annoyed that I was bleeding. He said "Sadie, you're bleeding!" I told him I had never done that before. He took my virginity. He took my virtue. I was frozen and hurt, and devastated that it went that far. I felt like my future was as good as gone. 

After that he took me whenever he wanted. He seemed to like public places, I think it made the adrenaline rush even more intense for him. He took me in a hotel room with a coworker on the other bed next to us. He touched me while riding in a truck full of people. There were more pool instances. I would be busy working and he would sneak up behind me in the plenum and yank my pants down and have sex with me before I really knew what was happening, or who was there. He would pull out right before he ejaculated and cover up his cum on the ground by kicking dirt or debris onto it. One time in particular stuck out to me though. We were working on the job site and there was a shop being built next to the cellars. I walked over to the shop to go look inside, I walked upstairs, he followed me and cornered me in one of the upstairs rooms. I did not want sex. I did not want him to touch me. He came closer and tried kissing me. I turned my head away. He was already ready to do it, and I froze and shook, he grabbed my pants and unbuttoned them, and tried to get them down, but he wasn't fast enough and barely got his tip in before he came. I started silently crying. He gave me a water bottle and told me to go squirt it inside myself so I wouldn't get pregnant or a UTI. I grabbed the bottle and ran to the nearest port a potty, and bawled as I cleaned myself out. I could feel him watching me as I ran. That was typically how it went.

One night in Klamath Falls I went to shower after work and he followed me and was knocking on the door trying to get my attention. I think he wanted me to let him into the shower with me. I saw him trying to look through the small window to the bathroom. The laundry room was right next to the showers and one night he laid me on top of the folding table in the trailer park's laundry room and had sex with me. There were times it was so public it surprised me that he would do it. Another time we were moving trailers to another job site and he pulled over for sex on the side of the road. It happened so many times that summer. It became normal to me. There were times he wanted me to participate, like give him a hand job, which I did. He had this indescribable power over me, even years after it stopped, he still had this weird power. He played on my emotions. It took years of counseling to break that power. He was dominant and I was submissive. I was like his sex slave, and he would be so sweet to me in between to keep me going, making me believe he loved me and it was a relationship. 

Let me make something clear, I never wanted to have sex with him. Not even when I participated, but he manipulated me and used me until there wasn't anything left. I didn't care anymore. I couldn't be more depressed. I couldn't be more disgusted with myself. I wanted my life to end. I wanted out so bad. I planned on dying. I planned on committing suicide. I had thought it out. I was going to take a bunch of pills and be gone forever. I also thought about running in front of a semi on the freeway behind my house at night. I would be nothing but a red smear across gravel. That was all I was now, nothing. I was already nothing. Who would give a flying crap about me disappearing?! I decided maybe I could try to graduate before I did it. I decided I didn't want to wait that long though, and made plans to graduate early. My mom would tell me things like "If you are morally unclean, you will die. Heavenly Father loves virtuous women. He will kill you off if you are immoral." Well one more person who agrees with me. I was going to hell in a hand basket and it was going to happen as soon as possible.

Steve would apologize after times like that. He would play the "I am such a schmuck" card. He would make me feel sorry for him and forgive him. He would lie and deceive his way into what he wanted. Life was horrible. It was utter hell. I could give plenty more experiences and examples, but I think I shared enough for you to get the point. I could never face Jake again. That was over. But one day a boy came into my life, and it changed everything for me. Just in time too. 

To Be Continued-