Chapter 3- Hope
One night before that summer with Steve, my cousin DaNae invited me over to her house to hang out. We were watching Meet The Robison's in her basement when we heard the doorbell ring. I had no idea who was at the door, but shortly later I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and I looked around and saw the handsomest boy walking with DaNae. He had sandy brown hair, hazel eyes, and dimples in his cheeks when he smiled. Other than the obvious good looks, I knew there was something special about him the minute I met him. His name was Devin, and I was interested for sure. I didn't know if he was dating DaNae or not though, so I kind of backed off a bit. I had no clue this boy would some day be my husband, honestly at the time I didn't expect to live much longer.
I had a plan to commit suicide, I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would happen. I kind of wanted to graduate High School first, but I kind of doubted I could make it that long. I had made plans to graduate early though, partly so I could try to hold onto hope and finish high school and partly because I wanted to get out of my messed up house so bad. My parents were always fighting. My mom was always telling me horrible things like if I was immoral at all God would kill me. Or X-rated sexual things about everyone and everything. How dirty and "unclean" sexual people were, although ironically she was probably the most sex-obsessed person I had ever met, to date. I felt alone. I felt empty.
The boy at my cousin's house lived in the back of my mind during the summer of 2008, my summer of being a sex slave. That fall, I came home to learn there is a tri-stake dance and DaNae invited me to go. I figured it would be nice to escape my dark thoughts for a night. Shortly after arriving I saw Devin from before across the gym. My heart jumped. I was so happy and excited and I couldn't put my finger on what it was about him. He was more reserved, handsome as hell, but there was something more. My interest was piqued and from that dance on, we were inseparable. He showed me respect. He shook of nervousness when I kissed him for the first time. He went out of his way to spend time with me, and he never pushed me to do anything or be a certain way. He let me be me, and I loved it. My cold numb heart started to melt. It didn't take long for me to fall hard for him. I wanted to spend every waking minute with the boy that made me feel alive and free. He was a mystery and I wanted to solve it, but in reality he solved me. He brought happiness with him. I love him, for everything that he is and everything that he makes me feel. I would have died if he hadn't come into my life, and that I am certain of. He gave me the courage to tell Steve to never touch me again.
Steve came to my house when I was home alone to "talk". He had something else in mind. I didn't want him to do anything since I was with Devin now. He tried to sit by me on the couch and grabbed my leg. I got up and walked across the living room and sat on the floor to get space between us. He just followed. He sat next to me and gently pushed me back to the floor so I was laying down. He then laid on top of me and started kissing me. I turned my head so he couldn't kiss my lips. I was scared. I knew exactly what was going to happen. It happened enough times before. I hated this part. I squirmed out from under him and grabbed my phone. He tried his "I am so sorry, I am such a schmuck" speech on me again. The one that would make me feel bad for HIM after he would rape me. This time I didn't let him get to me. I told him it had to stop. He tried kissing me again and I turned my head sharply. He instead kissed my neck. He was surprised and I think worried. I wasn't going to let it happen again, I kept Devin in my mind the whole time. I was going to call the police if I had to. He finally turned away and walked out of the house. That was the last time that he ever touched me.
My parents were in a secret group called AVOW, a break off group of the LDS church dedicated to prepare to bug out when the shit hit the fan. They would force me to go to weird meetings, go to strangers houses, and even to raise my arm and vow to secrecy for the group. They bought thousands of dollars worth of food and tents and end of the world supplies, and would tell me that we would be bugging out before I would have a chance to get married.
I did it though, I married my miracle. Dev and I were married August of 2009. Children followed soon after.
My mom was really sick in the beginning of my marriage and would often call Devin to tell him I was cheating on him, or call me to set me up with my ex-boyfriend, or accuse me and my siblings of affairs and lasciviousness. She accused my 8 year old niece of things that she didn't even know about (of course sexual) and she slapped my SIL's sister. She mooned a man who wouldn't rent a room to her, and had the police called on her a lot. She would go to church parking lots and accuse people coming out of sleeping with my dad. She was obsessed with, and stocked a man from AVOW. He had to get a restraining order on her. She divorced my dad and moved to Utah, where she eventually got help, thanks to my sister Apryl, and went into a mental hospital there in Utah where she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia Paranoia and Bi Polar. She is doing so much better on her medicine, but unfortunately a little too late for me to ever trust or have a healthy relationship with her. I still see her occasionally, but I don't feel like I have a mom. I had 4 beautiful kids, and I would do anything for them. I am going to be to my kids what I craved from my own parents. At least I know what not to do. I will always try to show them their worth and treat them with respect and love and teach them reality of the world, and the beauty the world can hold too.
I have been married to Devin for 10 years. I know what he is thinking from his facial expressions or body language. We have grown up together. He calms me in my dark moments, he laughs with me in my happy moments, he listens to me even when he doesn't know what to say back. All I have to do is give him a look and he knows I am making a joke and laughs with me. Life is great with my best friend. We've had our ups and downs, and there has been times where it wasn't easy.. but he is my happy place.
One day in 2013, I was at my brother Chase's house on day talking to his wife Nicole. She made a comment about Justin, one of my offenders. I couldn't hold my tongue and said something like "He wasn't nearly as bad a person as Steve." Oops. I let myself slip. I had never told anyone, except Devin. She then point blank asked me if Steve did anything to me and I ended up telling her that he raped me. At one point I had a pregnancy scare while I was barely 17 years old. I thank Heaven every day I never got pregnant with Steve's child. I don't know what would've happened if I had. Nicole ended up telling Steve's wife something on Facebook, without me knowing. I then got Facebook messages and a phone call from Steve's wife. She told me how terrible of a person I was. She told me I was making it up because he was denying everything and I had said the same thing about someone else before. I told her Justin admitted what he did and I am sorry her husband can't do the same. She told me that I was so inappropriate because I would hug him in front of her. I never knew hugging a man I thought of as a brother would lead to sex. She told me I was out to tear apart eternal families, because they had been sealed. There was more yelling and belittling.. more evidence to the internal voice that I was evil, and hated by God. I didn't get out of bed for days. The world would be a happier place without me in it. I am darkness, I am regret, I am dirty, I am not enough. I just want my family to be happy. They would be so much happier without me. So, what is stopping me? Just do it.
One day a few years later I got a phone call from a Stake President of the Blackfoot South Stake. This starts another hard portion of my life, a transitional portion.. more to come in the next chapter.
I had a plan to commit suicide, I didn't know exactly when, but I knew it would happen. I kind of wanted to graduate High School first, but I kind of doubted I could make it that long. I had made plans to graduate early though, partly so I could try to hold onto hope and finish high school and partly because I wanted to get out of my messed up house so bad. My parents were always fighting. My mom was always telling me horrible things like if I was immoral at all God would kill me. Or X-rated sexual things about everyone and everything. How dirty and "unclean" sexual people were, although ironically she was probably the most sex-obsessed person I had ever met, to date. I felt alone. I felt empty.
The boy at my cousin's house lived in the back of my mind during the summer of 2008, my summer of being a sex slave. That fall, I came home to learn there is a tri-stake dance and DaNae invited me to go. I figured it would be nice to escape my dark thoughts for a night. Shortly after arriving I saw Devin from before across the gym. My heart jumped. I was so happy and excited and I couldn't put my finger on what it was about him. He was more reserved, handsome as hell, but there was something more. My interest was piqued and from that dance on, we were inseparable. He showed me respect. He shook of nervousness when I kissed him for the first time. He went out of his way to spend time with me, and he never pushed me to do anything or be a certain way. He let me be me, and I loved it. My cold numb heart started to melt. It didn't take long for me to fall hard for him. I wanted to spend every waking minute with the boy that made me feel alive and free. He was a mystery and I wanted to solve it, but in reality he solved me. He brought happiness with him. I love him, for everything that he is and everything that he makes me feel. I would have died if he hadn't come into my life, and that I am certain of. He gave me the courage to tell Steve to never touch me again.
Steve came to my house when I was home alone to "talk". He had something else in mind. I didn't want him to do anything since I was with Devin now. He tried to sit by me on the couch and grabbed my leg. I got up and walked across the living room and sat on the floor to get space between us. He just followed. He sat next to me and gently pushed me back to the floor so I was laying down. He then laid on top of me and started kissing me. I turned my head so he couldn't kiss my lips. I was scared. I knew exactly what was going to happen. It happened enough times before. I hated this part. I squirmed out from under him and grabbed my phone. He tried his "I am so sorry, I am such a schmuck" speech on me again. The one that would make me feel bad for HIM after he would rape me. This time I didn't let him get to me. I told him it had to stop. He tried kissing me again and I turned my head sharply. He instead kissed my neck. He was surprised and I think worried. I wasn't going to let it happen again, I kept Devin in my mind the whole time. I was going to call the police if I had to. He finally turned away and walked out of the house. That was the last time that he ever touched me.
My parents were in a secret group called AVOW, a break off group of the LDS church dedicated to prepare to bug out when the shit hit the fan. They would force me to go to weird meetings, go to strangers houses, and even to raise my arm and vow to secrecy for the group. They bought thousands of dollars worth of food and tents and end of the world supplies, and would tell me that we would be bugging out before I would have a chance to get married.
I did it though, I married my miracle. Dev and I were married August of 2009. Children followed soon after.
My mom was really sick in the beginning of my marriage and would often call Devin to tell him I was cheating on him, or call me to set me up with my ex-boyfriend, or accuse me and my siblings of affairs and lasciviousness. She accused my 8 year old niece of things that she didn't even know about (of course sexual) and she slapped my SIL's sister. She mooned a man who wouldn't rent a room to her, and had the police called on her a lot. She would go to church parking lots and accuse people coming out of sleeping with my dad. She was obsessed with, and stocked a man from AVOW. He had to get a restraining order on her. She divorced my dad and moved to Utah, where she eventually got help, thanks to my sister Apryl, and went into a mental hospital there in Utah where she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia Paranoia and Bi Polar. She is doing so much better on her medicine, but unfortunately a little too late for me to ever trust or have a healthy relationship with her. I still see her occasionally, but I don't feel like I have a mom. I had 4 beautiful kids, and I would do anything for them. I am going to be to my kids what I craved from my own parents. At least I know what not to do. I will always try to show them their worth and treat them with respect and love and teach them reality of the world, and the beauty the world can hold too.
I have been married to Devin for 10 years. I know what he is thinking from his facial expressions or body language. We have grown up together. He calms me in my dark moments, he laughs with me in my happy moments, he listens to me even when he doesn't know what to say back. All I have to do is give him a look and he knows I am making a joke and laughs with me. Life is great with my best friend. We've had our ups and downs, and there has been times where it wasn't easy.. but he is my happy place.
One day in 2013, I was at my brother Chase's house on day talking to his wife Nicole. She made a comment about Justin, one of my offenders. I couldn't hold my tongue and said something like "He wasn't nearly as bad a person as Steve." Oops. I let myself slip. I had never told anyone, except Devin. She then point blank asked me if Steve did anything to me and I ended up telling her that he raped me. At one point I had a pregnancy scare while I was barely 17 years old. I thank Heaven every day I never got pregnant with Steve's child. I don't know what would've happened if I had. Nicole ended up telling Steve's wife something on Facebook, without me knowing. I then got Facebook messages and a phone call from Steve's wife. She told me how terrible of a person I was. She told me I was making it up because he was denying everything and I had said the same thing about someone else before. I told her Justin admitted what he did and I am sorry her husband can't do the same. She told me that I was so inappropriate because I would hug him in front of her. I never knew hugging a man I thought of as a brother would lead to sex. She told me I was out to tear apart eternal families, because they had been sealed. There was more yelling and belittling.. more evidence to the internal voice that I was evil, and hated by God. I didn't get out of bed for days. The world would be a happier place without me in it. I am darkness, I am regret, I am dirty, I am not enough. I just want my family to be happy. They would be so much happier without me. So, what is stopping me? Just do it.
One day a few years later I got a phone call from a Stake President of the Blackfoot South Stake. This starts another hard portion of my life, a transitional portion.. more to come in the next chapter.
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